College Disappointments

Everyone has moments when they face disappointment in themselves and their potential, and alas, that doesn't change in college:

Anyone who knows me will tell you—I’m a studier. My academic performance reigns as my top priority at this point in my life, and so I spend a hefty portion of my days in the library, in my sorority’s chapter room, or in my room behind a book, scrawling notes. As I mentioned before, Transylvania has helped cultivate that work ethic in me. Rarely, though, it seems to backfire.

Today, that happened. I had my midterm in British Literature, definitely one of my favorite classes this semester. I had studied for at least an hour on each of the 3 days prior to the exam and another good 3 hours the night before. I felt as though I had covered all I could, minus going back and rereading each work in full. I felt comfortable with each text and its conceptual implications, but I have always had a problem with on-demand writing.

I can write papers like it’s my job, and consequently that’s what I love to do. Time seems nearly unlimited when it comes to paper writing; I have all the time I feel like spending to figure out how to organize and how to articulate precisely my understanding and ideas regarding whatever topic my paper addresses. Today, when presented with 10 short answer questions and an essay to complete in 50 minutes…I was overwhelmed to say the least. I knew the answers to the questions, what I wanted to talk about, what examples from the texts I would use, but, I had no time to organize my thoughts. My essay ended up loosely organized and vague—a desperate attempt to fit in as much as possible in the limited amount of time. Needless to say, I was not proud. In fact, I felt pretty dejected after class knowing that I could have done better.

It’s hard to rectify the thought of grades as a label of intelligence or overall education. I know that many times that isn’t the case at all. That’s something you have to get used to in college. It’s hard, especially when shooting for graduate school like I am, but I know in the back of my mind that what really matters is the fact that I internalized most of what I had learned, enjoyed it and understood it’s importance and value. Plus, I know this will drive me to work even harder for the final.

For now, though, I think I'll drink a cup of tea and call it a week.